Treasury of Dark Riches

After 29 weeks

2009-03-01T04:07:41Z

... I am back for a little more! Back in late June and early July, as I was leaving France to come back and start something entirely new, I talked about trying to move the feast. Not that I was feasting in the literal sense. But I took in as much as I could culturally. I was hoping it would all pan out as soon as I got settled in and started doing what I had prepared to do, trained to do, and aspired to do for years.

It only sort of happened. I think all of us got a healthy dose of the "real world" after that point. The feast dried up. We were left to scramble. Some made out a little better than others, but in the end, we all had issues.

Amazing things happened, and horrible things happened. I'm speaking of the world at large and of my own life. Then again, I do tend to magnify things through my own lens.

29 weeks later, my biggest problem - even my greatest fear - is that I continue to second-guess myself. And I can't help it. When the autopilot kicks in, there is hardly anything I can do without thinking of what might have been different. As I do this, I cling to the past and surf waves of uncertainty, hoping to get as far into the future as I can.

Honestly, there are plenty of times when I am not so sure I'm gonna make it all the way. There are days when I truly believe I have what it takes, without swelling up with pride. There are other days when I have my doubts. Sometimes they nag, and occasionally they cripple. In other words, I crack under my own psychological weight and then have to battle back like a phoenix.

When I slip into the spiral of speculation and magnifying situations beyond where they're supposed to go, I sometimes wonder whether it's all worth it. As in, what the hell is this all about, and how difficult it is to have faith in oneself and in others at times, and how that can be really frustrating. What's more, fatigue sets in when you constantly have to have your own back. That's actually really hard. You can shrug your shoulders, acknowledge the difficulties, and tell yourself, "Deal with it." You can go Anton Chigurh and dismiss it: "I wouldn't worry about it." Or you can put mind over matter, accelerating the fatigue. Not many escape hatches when you need 'em. So why press on, even when you're not sure it's worth it? What is it that keeps me going, anyway?

I haven't been around that long, but there is one thing I have learned: the moments that are "worth it" pop up in fits and starts. Each of us has a cookie jar where the moments accumulate. There's only way to find out what the next moment is. Like Pascal's Wager, might as well believe in it and go after it. And we can only hope that, in the end, the sum of all the positive moments will amount to something that is "worth it" for everyone.

Case in point: I do not feel completely settled here in the District of Columbia. Every time I think I find a cozy cranny, I get knocked out of it. I would rather not be just another transient, although I understand that there are forces beyond my control that might lead me down that path. The snow and sleet cascading down at the moment haven't done it to me (as a Californian). The bad drivers haven't done it. Not even the heat and humidity of the summer have done it. But the constant finger-pointing might do it.

Speaking of that, I ought to give it a rest. But not for another 29 weeks this time.

The feast is moved...

2008-08-06T21:32:15Z

"Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a partner.
Sometimes I feel like
My only friend
Is the district I live in,
District of Columbia.
Lonely as I am,
Together we cry..."
[EMaj7]

That's my little twist on the first verse of "Under the Bridge" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I used to sing that to myself, in my head, as a little lullaby, the first time I lived in D.C. That was five summers ago. But I haven't lost the tune. I have taken a scenic route all the way back to D.C. Now I'm trying to tap into the spirit of this place one more time. That could take a while, but then again, I'm not supposed to really be going anywhere for a while. So there is plenty of time to learn the ropes. At least I hope so...

The past five blogless weeks have been a little crazy for me. The day after my last entry from Paris, I headed back to San Francisco. I was there for nine days, which was great, but still didn't feel long enough. After that, I was off to Windsor, Ont., by way of Detroit, where I went to a wedding with N. and her family. That was certainly a highlight - her parents smiled when I said goodbye, which I took as a good sign! :-) After that, about 2 1/2 weeks from Boston, but "punctuated" by short times away from each other. First N. went to Chicago for another wedding. Then, a little over a week after that, I went to Albany, New York to take the bar exam (fingers crossed!!). The second bar exam I've taken, but the first one in New York. I've risked lowering my batting average, so I hope that one works out (I'll find out in around 3 months). After that, though, I had one day back in the Bean before making the move down here. And all that within the span of a month. Whew.

The time is whooshing right on by, and now I am getting geared up for the next great adventure. Doing international trade work is pretty far from anything I imagined doing not too long ago. I think the road will be steep. But I'm looking forward to it just the same.

I took a whole box full of books downtown earlier today, taking the shady side of the street on an afternoon with temperatures and heat indices in the 90's. And I am proud to say that my pushcart, with its spiffy new wheels (as of last year), held up through the whole trip - there and back!

This is going to be fun. At least sometimes.

Moving the Feast...

2008-07-01T17:19:50Z

Ernest Hemingway once referred to Paris as a "moveable feast." That seems like a term open to a few interpretations. However you slice it, though, it's clear that any length of time spent in Paris will stick with you. I'm really fortunate to have had the chance to spend more than nine months in this city, and this country. It has not always been easy.. and I am definitely not out of the woods yet. But I have certainly learned a lot. I've made some good friends. I've had a really enjoyable experience that I hope will make me more effective out in the world.

I have been so frenzied trying to get ready to head out that I have hardly had any time to get nostalgic. I am sure those moments will come around. Still, I had one earlier today, on the parvis at the Palais de Chaillot. I looked out at the Eiffel Tower, set against the light blue sky, with a ring of stars around the central cross-beam section. That could be because France takes over the rotating presidency of the EU today. But it still made me think about a few things. The symbolism I saw in that was something like a road to European unity leading through France, given that the tower is an internationally recognized symbol of the country. That is exactly the issue I spent the academic year studying. When it comes to agriculture, France has been both the hero and the villain in the EU. It is one of the power players on the continent, and it has always used its position to its advantage in agriculture. Whether or not we would like to believe it, the country still has a notable influence. In general, though, France has to be a good neighbor for the EU to really work. Given that I always try to be as optimistic as possible, maybe I should think of the ring of euro-stars as a sign that France wants to be a good neighbor. Or, if not a good neighbor, then at least one of the good guys...

I am not sure if this will be my last entry from rue du roi de Sicile, but if it is.. hey, it's been real. And it's been a pleasure. Thanks for the reading! :-)

La Mini-Canicule

2008-06-24T22:46:54Z

Man, it's toasty.. I see what they were talking about when they mentioned the periodic canicules in the Paris area. This one has only lasted a few days, but there have been some particularly warm nights. Right now, it's still 79 degrees over at Saint-Germain in the 6th, and about 77 over here in the Marais. Humidity in the low 50's makes it feel like it's in the low 80's. And where are we again?

La Grande Fête

2008-06-22T19:33:11Z

I was just telling Hedayat that I've never seen anything like it.

I had no idea that the fête de la musique was so huge. I thought it was just a few concerts at select spots around town. Not so. There seemed to be something happening on just about every third street corner. Anything and everything you can think of, from drunken debauchery to black tie. And having it on a Saturday only made it more popular. I'm talking about thousands of people in the streets, on the first full night of the summer, the shortest but also the warmest we've had so far (79 deg. at midnight). It seemed like the whole city was suddenly in good spirits and had come to life in a whole new way.

I also really hope the same idea catches on in other cities. There really is nothing like cultural celebration, in terms of invigorating a city's spirit and getting people excited for any reason or no reason at all. It's a beautiful thing, and Paris is much better at it than many other places. It takes culture seriously, of course. But it also encourages everyone to get involved, always making an effort to ensure that there's something for everybody. I'm sure that will be one of my favorite memories of Paris, and France in general. No one is perfect, but France is particularly good at celebrating the richness of cultural traditions.

Summertime!

2008-06-21T14:23:28Z

I think I've started to like the one-word titles a little more. You know, short and to the point. Wrapping it all up in as little space as possible. It's a little easier, though, when you have words to use like "Summertime." Especially when it's the date of the summer solstice.

Sooo.. it's been summer over here since just before 2:00 this morning. That makes tomorrow the first full day of summer, but it is still pretty clear that we are in a brand new season. The sun was high in the sky. People were out and about acting as if summer had already been here for a while. And then there was me, curled up in the corner of the couch in my cubby-hole apartment with the tall ceilings that I am only supposed to occupy for another 11 days, thinking about the summer. This summer will be unusual in my book. I have to move back across the ocean, and then I have to move across the country, all within the span of about a month. I have definitely given myself plenty to do. I just hope I can rise to the challenge and not go crazy in the process! Not to sound cliché or borrow too much for the Gershwin brothers, but something tells me that the livin' will not be all that easy for me this summertime.

That's not for bad reasons, though. Just different ones.

Even though the calendar has rolled over into another season, and even though today officially marks the date I have come full-circle in terms of the seasons in France (since I arrived at the very end of the summer of 2007), I still have the same old phobia that stresses me out, sometimes something terrible. I wonder if I am doing things right. I am sure I have mentioned this somewhere else in the course of this blog. It really does eat at me, but it's almost like I am trying to find a reason why I am not doing things right so that I can then be even harder on myself than I usually am. So far, I have been very good at beating myself up psychologically. Almost any attempt I make to soften the blows doesn't work so well, except, in some cases, to make me even more resilient against unexpected obstacles. But I am still concerned I am learning the hard way - or, worse yet, teaching myself the hard way.

You know something, though? It doesn't do me any good to complain about my phobia on here. It might even make it worse, since now anyone who reads this knows one of the things that eats at me. We all have something eating at us.. even the Buddhists, I'm sure, who avoid attachment at all costs. Life is tough. I just can't tell if the toughness is inherent, or if we do more to create it. What's the percentage, anyway?

What's the frequency, Kenneth?

Does Kenneth even know the frequency? Is anyone supposed to know the frequency? Maybe that's what makes it all worthwhile - there is so much that we can't control that we just have to make do with what's there and give it our best shot. I am especially guilty of worrying about things I can't control. I probably just need to let that loose.

And what about Paris, you ask? Well, plenty going on. It's a beautiful day for a solstice, not to mention a fête de la musique, happening this year for the 27th year in a row. I'm planning on meeting up with some friends in a bit to go concert-hopping, since there are all kinds of shows, large and small, happening all over town. It should be both exhilarating and exhausting. I hope my little red pepper stew concoction I'm about to concoct in a few minutes keeps me going! As with so many other things, we'll see. And I'll not worry about what I can't control. It'll be just us and the night and the music. I am not sure why I have all these allusions to songs.. maybe I'm just in a musical frame of mind?

Better that than a control freak state of mind, that's for sure...

OK, so on with the summer. Wish me luck if you have a bit to spare!

Wildness

2008-06-16T20:55:53Z

So N was visiting over the weekend, and was on her way back earlier today.. or so we thought. Massive train strike on the RER led to a veritable nightmare of trying to grab a cab, getting on the wrong train at Austerlitz, getting an incredibly unhelpful and downright bitchy (pardon my language, but this person was, in fact, a bitch - no question about it!) when we tried to negotiate when we finally got to the airport. In the end, I was more than a little frazzled, in a way I haven't been in a long time. It threw me off. I actually felt sick to my head and stomach for a while. But I tried my best to keep my composure. We ended up making the most of the extra time we had together, although it was another, new plane ticket later.

We take so many things for granted these days.. and maybe that's going a little bit too far. So many things have to fall into place for a travel experience to be easy and smooth. Even a few missing links can throw the whole process into total disarray. That's pretty much what happened this time. We could not have known any better. Then again, maybe I would go on strike, too, if I thought the government were even thinking of messing with a 35 hour workweek and trying to keep me from retiring as early as possible.

If these kinds of social movements continue, the French social security system will collapse under the weight of its own culture. It will fail, because it is unsustainable.

You heard it here first!

I might still be a little frazzled, but I have held that belief almost all along. Something is going to have to give.. otherwise, those who have pulled rugs out from under so many others, indiscriminately, will see their own rugs pulled out from under them. Just watch and see it happen.

ANYWAY, enough on that. We have had a great time together. I should not complain, even though it is hard not to in the face of everything that has been happening. They say life is not fair. I, too, have been treated like total shit in unjust situations. Sometimes I turn the other cheek. Sometimes I battle back. But I think that by now, I have a pretty good idea of when to keep quiet and when to speak up. Now more than ever.

And what was that all about?

2008-06-08T21:32:52Z

As of today, I have only about three and a half more weeks over here before heading back to the USA. It's strange to think that the time has actually gone by that quickly. I knew it would, deep down. Still, I hope the experience hasn't passed me by.

I often think of myself as paranoid. I sometimes even describe myself that way. One of my greatest fears, or the driving force behind a lot of that paranoia, is my concern over whether I am making the most of certain opportunities. I get down on myself when I blow big chances. I pressure myself to maximize my opportunities, at least in part out of this paranoia that I will look back and realize what might have been. It serves partially as motivation, but it can also be a little bit depressing. I really wish I didn't second-guess myself as often as I do. I'm not sure how to change my mindset from always being in the "what if" retrospective mode. What if I had not done such and such, or done such and such when I could have? Did I do everything I was supposed to do? Did I do the best job I could? I know it does me no good to always look back and get down on myself for past deficiencies, which might not even be objective deficiencies at all. If I were being euphemistic, I would say it's a constant drive to do better. But I think it's probably more paranoia than anything else when everything is stripped away.

I don't worry now as much as I used to, but I still consider it a problem. I know it's bad for my health. I understand that it's like digging my own grave, in the extreme. But I think I know the cure...

I take my work and my efforts to contribute seriously, but I don't take myself as seriously. And I don't take life as seriously. That helps me.

I understand that I can't control everything. I understand that I have to maintain internal sustenance when all else falls away. Someone who is my friend and confidant(e) one day might not be the next, and there are a few things I can do about that, but not too many. That's the order of things, from what I've seen and heard so far. So honestly, I could keep on worrying, but to a large extent, that wouldn't make any difference.

What does all this have to do with France?

I am somewhat anxious to make the most of what is a very limited time. I want to do it right, but I don't know how. And I probably can't know how, but I want to do it anyway. What a struggle I've set up for myself.

At least I don't take any of it for granted. And I do try to squeeze as much out of every day as I possibly can. I hope that'll prove to be enough.

La Fiorentina

2008-06-03T13:30:39Z

Not la squadra. La visita!

I am sitting in the same computer lab where I spent a few more hours than I probably should have a few years ago. Six years ago, actually. I was a student in Florence for a bit back in 2002, and now I have the chance to spend a couple of days in Italy. Had to swing by here, just to see what's changed. The answer is a lot, except for the personnel - I swear they all look and sound exactly the same! Hard to believe, but that's the impression I've been getting so far.

I am literally running on an espresso and a machine cappuccino right now. Only slept about five hours last night, then a little more heading down to Rome, and then just a bit more on the train to Florence. When I add it all up, it might not look all that bad. But fitful sleep can catch up with you a little faster. Now I am taking advantage of free 'net access and trying to make the most of what energy I have left, before it all runs out!

The weather around here is not very good today - fairly warm, rainy, humid. But probably better than the middle of summer, when temperatures can go soaring over 100. I got a heavy dose of the high temperatures three summers ago, and I don't really miss them that much.. even though moving to DC not too long from now means I'll have to be prepared for that again. Ah, well.. anyway, I feel very old right now. I am sitting in a room with about ten other students on the computers, and I am the oldest person in the room. And, for some reason, I am acutely aware of that. I'm not used to that feeling.

OK, now it's starting to fill up. I better get off here before I get the boot. Still, it's been nice doing a little blogging from the same corner where I used to send emails back when I wasn't legal drinking age in the U.S. Only difference is that now it's a much spiffier computer. And I'm not on deadline, and I'm not enrolled.

Oh, and I'm 27. Weird, man...

Postscript

2008-05-30T21:49:53Z

By the way, I did some more reflection on five years ago, at City Hall in San Francisco. That was a fun night. I was there stag, but it was worth it.

Here's what I looked like exactly five years ago tonight...

Happy Friday

2008-05-30T21:43:32Z

May 2008 is about to draw to a close. Today is the last Friday. I have had a pretty leisurely Friday evening so far, without a whole lot going on. Still, today had plenty of highlights.. and it has been a really, really long day, but for good reasons. Now, with the day's warmth morphed over into the night's mugginess (there is plenty of mugginess to go around tonight, from what I can tell), I figured it might be a good time to do some reflecting on what has been a pretty crazy 24 hours.

May 30 began in a car for me, en route to a dinner spot after one of my friend's concerts. I had only planned to get a drink nearby with them and then head home from there. I thought we were going someplace within walking distance. Not so. We drove for around 10 minutes, over to a Chinese restaurant on rue de Choisy. I had a kir and a bowl of rice, having already had dinner a few hours beforehand. We didn't get there until 12:15, but that wouldn't be a problem in terms of getting home. Or so I thought. I had originally planned to just get the drink, and maybe a little something on the side, and then head out. But the conversation livened up, and soon I found myself wrapped up in it, and in a way that I couldn't really get out of it. By the time everyone had finished, we were the last ones in the restaurant, it was about 1:15 a.m., and the staff were turning off the lights in the "It's time for you to go now!" sort of way. We got the message and headed out. Of course, the metro and the regular bus lines had shut down by that time. That left me with three options: (1) take a cab, (2) take a night bus, or (3) walk. One of my friend's friends gave me and my friend a ride as far as Place d'Italie, and then continued on from there to her home outside the city. My friend lived pretty close to Place d'Italie. By this time, it was probably around a quarter to 2. My friend and I parted ways, and that left me with the decision. I went with option number 3.

I made it home around 2:20, and managed to have the lights out by 3. You'd think I would have been better at going to bed immediately as soon as I got home. But time can really fly when you're going to bed sometimes.

I spent the later part of that morning finishing up the first draft of my project paper, eight months in the making. It's nice to have something to latch onto at this point. I still have a lot I'd like to do with it, but I think I at least have a start.

At 2:30, I headed over to the Eglise Saint-Germain-des-Près (on foot), where I met up with my mom's friends Diana and Warren (Diana and my mom once worked together). Of course, we had to go to the Cafe de Flore. Touristy prices, for sure, but they had never been there before, so I didn't mind. On top of that, I went to Les Deux Magots with my friend Jon about a month ago, so I was definitely up for a visit to the sisterly café across the street. We were there for around an hour or so. Then we parted ways because I had even more plans. A rarity for me on a Friday afternoon, but a rarity every so often is probably not such a bad thing.

My next stop was Les Catacombes, near the Denfert-Rochereau metro stop. Our plan had been to meet there at 4:15. I got there about five minutes late. No matter 'cuz it was CLOSED, making me 0-for-2 on visits to the Catacombes since it was also closed (for renovations this time, though) when I tried to go at the end of March. I met my friend anyway, and we headed over to a café on rue Daguerre, not too far away, and sipped on a citron pressé and orange pressée, respectively. About six, we hopped on the train. I got off at Luxembourg, and my friend continued. I swung by the Sorbonne and the Panthéon, thinking I would check in on the Bulgarian at Tangra, on rue de la Montaigne Sainte-Geneviève. Sure enough, everyone was there. I stopped in for dinnertime, since I hadn't been in around four months. I got something that was unbelievably unhealthy, even for a vegetarian. Marinated zucchini slices with yogurt topping, a small block of cheese baked and topped with ground walnuts and honey, and then baklava for dessert. And a carafe d'eau with all that. Really good, but probably off the charts in terms of calories. I'll have to walk about eight miles tomorrow to make up for it.

Then I headed back as the sun went down. A bateau mouche passed under a bridge as I was walking across it. I thought of how nice it must be to take a late-day trip on the river. Just about any river would be great, but there was definitely something nice about the Seine on its way through Paris that was something special. Duh, right? Well, I would have thought so, too. And I did think it. But today, I felt it.

And then the mugginess set in, with me jumping around between this and that, cleaning one minute, emailing the next. Plenty of action. For a good cause? Well, at least for a blog-worthy cause, as you can see here.

What is a blog-worthy cause, anyway? These days, who knows?

Rattrapage

2008-05-25T16:14:27Z

I was sitting around this afternoon, watching the Monaco Grand Prix and thinking back on my short time there about four weeks ago. The principality really takes on a new character when the Grand Prix time rolls around. Even at the end of April, it was already bustling with activity, as preparation were made for the classic car race on the 10th and then the big Formula 1 race that happened earlier today. You couldn't avoid it walking around town, since the race route passed most of Monaco's most popular spots. I wasn't exactly expecting that when I arrived there, but I wasn't too surprised, given that Monaco has one signature sporting event a year. Who else but the Monegasques can claim that a good part of their country turns into a race course for part of the year?

I felt much more connected to Monaco this time around, having walked the course when I was there. I went to the Auto Club of Monaco and got a map - more than six euros, and questionably worth it. But still a nice souvenir, no matter what. I followed the twists and turns it laid out, tracking the entire race course and checking out all the hot spots along the way. I had watched the race many times before, but this time it felt strangely familiar. I saw the sidewalk at the eastern end of the race course over and over this afternoon, and remembered wondering if the cars actually went up on the sidewalk at all during the race (the answer is absolutely!). I felt myself marveling at just how physical racing could be, as demonstrated in Monaco. It's much more than driving a car, especially wnen you have to drive as fast as you can around an urban race course. It looked incredibly dangerous and incredibly scary, seeing the cars zoom down the narrow streets I had seen and imagining what it must have been like to be in the cockpit. At the same time, it looked incredibly fun. But I won't be anywhere near an F1 cockpit anytime soon!

That's totally fine with me, though.. I was in a great mood after the race ended, because my favorite race car driver, Lewis Hamilton, was the winner. I felt proud. I thought of Yannick Noah at the '83 French Open as Hamilton jumped out of his car after pulling to a stop on the grid, skipping over to his brother and father and giving them a group hug. And, of course, I thought of Tiger Woods running to the side of the green and hugging his dad after the '97 Masters. Both times, I wanted to hug them, too.

I have more reasons to be happy today - my friends Maile Gradison and Anna Brook are getting married, so I am sending them best wishes and celebrating with them in spirit.

On top of that, it's a great day here in the Marais. It's hard for me to understand why I've spent most of it inside. I feel like I'm missing out on something.

What I have really missed out on, though, are all the opportunities I had to keep fueling the fire for this blog! That's where the "rattrapage" title came from - it's time to do a little catching up, since I have been a sporadic poster.

The project is going well, and I can see the end in sight. Still, I have run into a trap that is familiar and that I have always thought I should be able to avoid, but have never really reached. The more I have done on the project, the more I realize I coulddo on it, and the more tempted I get to add to it. That kind of mentality leads to projects that snowball, where you go outside the scope of what you intended and maybe even head off on totally irrelevant tangents. I definitely don't want that to happen. Then again, in my own defense, it would have been really tough to determine ex ante just how much should be done. I was at the mercy of my survey respondents for a while. I still am, in general. There is, however, a difference between what is possible and what is feasible, and also what should be done. I'll just go with the gut feelings that have taken me to this point, and use them to try to figure out when to throw in the towel.

Amazingly, I have "lived" in France for almost nine months now, and I have a little more than five weeks left until I have to head back to the US. I am looking forward to it, for a lot of reasons. At the same time, I know it'll be tough to transplant again. I say transplant rather than uproot, because I have only been in France for a relatively short time. Not really enough time to put down deep roots, but enough to feel settled. I don't pretend to have my act together, of course. But I think I feel much more in control now than I did even a few months ago. So five more weeks to really get a grip...

Still going

2008-05-20T21:16:33Z

I am not exactly the Energizer bunny, but yes, I am still plugging away at my project and trying to make the most of my remaining time over here. And yes, I am keeping the dark riches blog going! You might have thought I would abandon it, after getting lazy about continuing to post. But no! I am still doing it.

So much has happened since my last post. I meant to do some more, but you know how that goes. Procrastination leads to more of the same. I took a trip to central Europe - specifically to Bratislava, Slovakia but I also managed to squeeze in day trips to Brno (Czech Republic), Vienna, and Budapest. Four countries in four days is a little crazy, but doable from a place like Bratislava, only a few miles from the borders of the Czech Republic, Austria, and Hungary. Just trying to take advantage of the geography!

At this point, I am sticking around the Ile-de-France for a bit, as far as I can tell...

V-E all over again

2008-05-08T17:04:38Z

After a half-decent rest trying to shake off the bug that hit me early yesterday afternoon, I got going on the early side today. Did a little reading, worked on my project, kept trying to take down liquid. And later on, I took a little walk. I stopped by the Korcarz boulangerie on rue des Rosiers. Feeling a little bolder, for some reason, I got a small piece of Hungarian studel and a Mazurki, kind of like a light almond pastry. As I took a bite of each of them, I silently prayed that it wouldn't give me any trouble. But I still thought that regaining my appetite would be a good sign for the rest of the afternoon, not to mention regaining energy.

I kept walking and soaking up the early afternoon sunshine, on a day when it must have hit 80 in the Paris area. The Vitamin D machine was running full-speed ahead today. Light breezes were blowing. And the streets were filled with people in a good mood, not only because of the weather, but probably also because today is a national holiday.

63 years ago today was "V-E Day," the date that Europe collectively celebrated the end of World War II. The formal surrender was at Reims just before 3 in the morning on May 7. It wasn't confirmed in Berlin until May 9, but that was only a formality at that point, as there was no more Third Reich to speak of. And on May 8, Europe celebrated the end of the most devastating war in the history of humanity.

Lest anyone think Europe has forgotten about that day, and much less France, it helps that it is a national holiday in many nations. It is not uncommon for streets, squares, monuments, etc. to be named "8 Mai 1945" in French cities. And on this 8 May, the French flag was flying all over town. Sometimes it's nice to see that kind of spirit.

I'm not sure if it was an accident or not, but May 8 also happens to be the anniversary of Israel's founding. And today was a big anniversary for that country: the founding was exactly 60 years ago. Of course, all the usual questions, doubts, and fears come up whenever Israel celebrates its creation. They might have been a little stronger this time, given that the anniversaries ending in "0" are always a little more significant. But one thing is for sure: no other nation that small has had such a huge impact on the geopolitical landscape for so long.

You know, I really want there to be lasting peace in Israel. I really do. Both sides frustrate me constantly, and I wonder if I just don't understand. It could be that the only ones who really understand the answers to all the burning questions we keep asking over and over are the Israelis and the Palestinians themselves. But at the end of the day, we need peace in order to feel confident about tomorrow. Of course, it's easy for me to just blabber on about this stuff on a blog. What's most frustrating is how to "be" about the kind of lasting change that's so desperately needed.

OK, I am going to take another risk, making up couscous in Miso broth. I'll need some good luck for this one!

And I will think of and pray for the Burmese and the enormous (exacerbated) plight there after Nargis. Is that really the best I can do?

Scriptotherapy

2008-05-07T20:44:59Z

Is that what they call it? I probably just made that one up, actually. I sort of have my head in the clouds right now.

And that's not necessarily in a good way. I have always suspected some kind of reaction to strawberries. I have avoided them ever since I was about 16. Recently, though, I started to feel emboldened, since I had had a few things with some form of strawberry in them and had escaped any major problems. I wondered if it was all in my head. For whatever reason, when I saw a bottle of strawberry juice on the shelf in the grocery store around the corner last night, I thought, "Hey, why not? Could be interesting." I planned on having it last night, but forgot. Now I'm glad I didn't, because that would probably have made for a rough night. I ended up having it around midday. About a half hour later, I started feeling worse. And worse. And worse. You can probably tell where this is going.

Let's just say that at this point, it's like I didn't have the strawberry juice at all.

Now, it could have been something other than the strawberry juice that got me. It could have been lots of different things. Maybe it was the same thing that got me sick at the end of November. In any case, I was taken by surprise this time. Now I have been sick twice with stomach illnesses in the past 5 1/2 months. And you know I wash my hands before I eat anything, and try to keep a bottle of hand sanitizing goop on hand at (almost) all times. Then again, I took extra precautions in Peru when I was down there in January of 2007, even careful not to let any of the shower water get into my mouth. And I got sick there, too. And I hadn't had any kind of digestive bug before that, even in traveling to so-called developing countries, since I was 14. For whatever reason, the bugs have found me over the past 18 months, and I've gotten hammered three times now. This from the guy who once thought he had an iron stomach. Talk about a meltdown.

Anyway, I figured writing a little bit would be one way to gradually ease out of it. I am feeling better enough now to write something. Not too long ago, I was not feeling well enough to do anything at all (seriously). I staggered down to get a pack of Miso broth cubes, and I had one of them for dinner (made into broth, of course). But it was definitely the most physically miserable afternoon I'd had in a long time.

I should probably stop talking about it now, though, since I might jinx my recovery if I go on. And that would not be a good thing for almost anyone.

So other news.. the weather is summer-like now. Close to 80 degrees for a high today, and it looks like pretty much every day through the beginning of next week will be similar, or almost identical. April was a mixed bag, but didn't have too many warm days and had a lot more rain. Not so in May thus far. With high temperatures running 7-9 degrees Celsius above normal (for those of you keeping score at home, that would be about 13 to 16 degrees Fahrenheit), it might as well be summer.

By the way, earlier this week, a friend of mine and I did something neither of us had ever done before - head up to the top of the Tour Eiffel, a day before its 119th dedication anniversary. Spectacular? For sure! Worth the total 90-minute wait to get all the way to the top? I'd say so, at least on a day like that...

Eccomi!

2008-05-05T22:11:42Z

Yes, I'm still here! I have done exactly what I was hoping not to do when I started this thing. Same as when I started my other two blogs that are now defunct. I started to get lazy and stopped updating regularly. I have a minor excuse from the past couple of weeks - I have had guests, been traveling, or both. But still, I have missed spending some time on here pouring out a few words every day, or at least every other day. I really have missed it. So now, with just a few minutes to spare, I figured I'd go ahead and post a little something.

The past two weeks have been very exciting - I have seen places I had never been before and had always wanted to go. The weather has been almost universally outstanding, so I have been lucky with that, too. I have spent time with good friends and close relatives. It has all meant that I've had to change a few routines, but otherwise, it's been all gravy.

Again, though, it's crunch time. It's pretty much always crunch time, but now I really need to make sure the act is as together as it can be. I hope it works out...

Real Dealin'

2008-04-20T20:58:02Z

So this would be my first entry as a 27-year-old. It feels a little weird saying that, but you know, I think I'm starting to get used to it just a little more. I have not been 27 for that long, so the novelty hasn't worn off. Still, I've been hearing stories from all kinds of people about how much fun they had when they were 27. Everything I've heard gives me hope. Maybe it'll be good after all.

At least, that is, to the extent we can control our own destinies.

Anyway, the rain is clattering on the tin roof outside now. Today was a relatively warm day, but with classic spring weather. Intervals of sunshine and clouds, a few passing showers, then repeating the process. What's rolling through now could be the latest in a string of perturbations that is supposed to end around mid week. Even so, one thing I've learned the hard way around the Paris area this springtime is that it is always a good idea to carry an umbrella at this time of year if you see even one large cloud in the sky. It just works out that way. And if you don't bring your umbrella (as I very foolishly didn't on Friday afternoon), well, prepare to get wet.

The tipping point

2008-04-17T21:48:24Z

Speaking of that, I went to hear Malcolm Gladwell give a talk two years ago tonight, where he was arguing that criminal juries should be semi-professional and should not be permitted to know the identifying characteristics of the defendants they are judging. Of course, all of this ties right back to the Tipping Point, which seems to apply just about everywhere. I'm pretty sure it applies to me at times like these, too.. since I am now at one of my own tipping points.

I'm about to tip over into my late 20's. A bit of a scary thought, but then again, why be afraid. Take it from John Paul II: Do not be afraid! I will tell myself that a few times. It has gotten me through some tough challenges, and it has prepared me to face others. I hope it works this time!

Positive Spin

2008-04-16T21:59:41Z

OK, so I have felt a little bit bad about the previous posting, since it talks about negative things. I pride myself on staying positive no matter what comes up, so now I'll try to talk about something positive. And what better topic than.. the weather?

Today was a spectacular day in the Paris area. Partly cloudy skies all day, upper 50's for highs, light breezes, birds singing, people strolling, flowers in all the colors of the rainbow all over town. Really something special, I would say. My only regret is that I didn't have my camera with me. You'd think I'd be better prepared for something like that by now. Looks like I haven't learned my lesson just yet. So I'll work on that one!

My clock is ticking down until I officially hit my late 20's. That might sound negative to some, but I'm trying to take it in stride. It just seems strange to me to now sort of be looking back on my 20's instead of ahead. I like to keep looking ahead without forgetting or learning from the past. And I certainly have learned a lot in my 20's so far. In any case, I have three more years of them left, God willing, so I will try to make the most of those, too.

For some reason, I tend to reflect on my regrets and my fears at this time of the year. Not necessarily looking back on the age that was or on the age that is on the other side of the 18th for me, but flipping my personal calendar might have something to do with it. I think that at least triggers a round of introspection, where I try to address personal challenges. In general, I would say I have very few regrets (though I do have several, relatively minor regrets) and very many fears. Now that I am a little bit older, I like to think I learn from my regrets (a lot) and take control of my fears.

I once heard that everyone you meet loves something (or someone), is afraid of something (or someone), and has lost something (or someone). I definitely fit that profile. I wonder if that's problematic, in my case. The world is an unbelievably tough place to eke out an existence, but there are certainly people, places, and things in it that I love. But I am shy in matters of the heart. I like to think I'm fearless, but I am just a little better at conquering many of those fears and suppressing others. And I like to think I can avoid attachment, but I can't help myself.

Very quickly

2008-04-16T15:46:45Z

I find this photo extremely disturbing. I'm serious. I am all for freedom of speech, but I also believe that there is a difference between good and poor taste. This photo is more toward the poor taste side. I have plenty of disagreements with those in the foreground, but it's the background that really gets to me. Even if that's a state flag, it should not be there, and it certainly shouldn't be in a published photo.

Not sure what I would rate this one if it were a movie, but here you go. Viewer beware!

Stormy Monday Blues

2008-04-14T20:20:39Z

I was actually listening to a recording of that song earlier today, by Bobby Bland. It was on a CD given to me as a random gift (probably some kind of regift - I wouldn't be surprised) a few years ago. I'm pretty sure I tossed the CD, but I made sure to put the tunes onto my computer. The song is very slow and soulful, and it definitely made for good company on what turned out to be a stormy Monday afternoon.

The whole time I've been back here has been stormy, but in that off-and-on, springtime adjustment kind of way. Brilliant sunshine, followed by a few sprinkles, followed by a little sunbreak, followed by a powerful downpour that just sprouts up out of nowhere, and then back to the calm and sunny weather as the sunlight sort of weaves its way through the progression of the clouds. This afternoon was something different, though. Sunshine, then rain like Noah's Ark, then back to the sunshine. So it was a stormy Monday, and a bluesy one at that.

Later in the afternoon, after doing some more footnoting of my report (the one part of my project I have really put off longer than I should, although it always picks up when I just tell myself to sit down and get to it), I went out for coffee with a friend who is a painter. I'm actually fascinated by what goes on in artists' minds as they create their work (or think about creating their work), so my friend makes for a terrific conversation, for that and other reasons. Anyway, the place is called "Le Pain Quotidien," and they definitely serve up the daily bread in a special kind of way. We got something my friend had had before and highly recommended. The place specializes not only in breads, but also in spreads, and we got a small platter that had highlights of both. It included a half-baguette sliced diagonally, along with an assortment of five different spreads. One was like a dulce de leche, although with a more yellowish color. Then we had a glorified nutella, a hazelnut spread, an apricot spread, and a red fruit spread complete with pits, which I learned the hard way. In any case, it was all REALLY good and I can't believe I have missed that place. I don't usually hang around rue des Archives, but I will be sure to make a trip back over there not too long from now.

Almost four years ago, I sat in the kitchen of what had been my host family when I studied in Italy two years before that. We had a lively conversation about politics, which happens to be one of their favorite subjects (they're very leftist and have no shame or shyness about it). My host dad quipped, "Sono allergico a Berlusconi" — "I'm allergic to Berlusconi." Two years ago, he was booted out of office by a center-left coalition that brought in Romano Prodi. The same Prodi resigned on January 24. New elections were held yesterday and today for the entire Italian legislature. The leader of the party or party coalition that wins control of the legislature generally becomes the prime minister (actually President of the Council of Ministers). Guess who's back? Il Cavaliere. That's what they call him. The richest man in Italy has taken the prime minister's office for a THIRD time, which is pretty crazy. Why do they keep reelecting him? Who keeps reelecting him? When you have a 71-year-old who has the face of someone about 25 years younger thanks to miracles of plastic surgery, not to mention the hair of someone who could be 35 years younger, you usually know something is not quite right. But that's not enough for the Italian electorate. They wanted him back, for some reason. It's almost like he wants to be the dictator. Not like Benito, though. Like Silvio. He has his own style. That's probably what got him the nickname "Cavaliere." Now I can only wonder what comes next...

I was supposed to have a meeting in Limoges tomorrow with a representative from the FNSEA. The meeting had been on the books for a few weeks, and I sent a few questions I'd wanted to ask earlier today. About two hours later, I got a phone call saying something had come up and that the meeting would have to be cancelled. That's happened to me before. I wouldn't say I'm used to it, but I was prepared for it. Even as I was sending the questions, I thought to myself, "What if the meeting gets cancelled?" I really had that in the back of my mind. I was convinced it could happen, and even that it probably would happen. So I'm not sure if my thoughts jinxed it or what. Either way, I am going to Limoges tomorrow, and I'll try to make the most of it.

I'm also trying to make the most of my last Monday of age 26. I only have about four days to go now. I would call 26 a very crazy year, but also an action-packed year that has been a lot of fun. I think I'll miss it.

Strangers in the Night

2008-04-11T22:13:48Z

So I am back to feeling a little discombobulated. You can probably tell that's a favorite word of mine.

Speaking of favorite words, I think my favorite German word is probably "flugsteig," which I heard countless times after hours of hanging around Terminal A at the Frankfurt Airport (Flughafen - there's another fun one) yesterday afternoon.

I ended up getting back about six hours after I was hoping to get back, because of a delay out of Boston. But I made it back in one piece, so I am thankful for that.

My favorite French word is still vâchement :-)

OK, enough from me for this entry. But before I go.. while I was hanging out at the Frankfurt Flughafen, I came across this TIME magazine article that puts a sobering face on the biofuel movement. Very interesting stuff. Sad no matter how you slice it. But good in that "Inconvenient Truth" kind of way. Check it out.. if you dare!

On tour, again

2008-04-07T19:47:02Z

I am actually writing this one from, of all places, the Harvard Law School library. I am sitting about 10 feet away from where I met N., so this is a very special place for me. And besides that (my favorite memory from the library, although there were plenty of others, some good, some not so much), I spent a lot of quality time in here. Long hours studying for the 1L finals, then eventually Crim Pro, Fed Courts, and more, and then even after the graduation, holing up in here for hours at a time to study for the California bar exam. It really does have something going for it, though, in terms of a study spot. And it has for decades on end now.

I learned today that my favorite HLS professor is ill with cancer that is treatable but with an outcome that is still very unclear. I broke down a little when I heard it but managed to contain my composure as I heard about it. He was my favorite professor for many reasons. I never took a course from him, but he taught me a huge amount about legal scholarship. He supervised me on two papers I wrote and was, by far, the most encouraging professor I had at the school. I almost couldn't believe how much he seemed to believe in me. I remember talking to him one day during his office hours asking him about how I should structure some ideas I was working with in the second paper I wrote under his supervision. He gave me a few suggestions, but he emphasized that it was really up to me. In a place where anyone is looking for any validation s/he can get, especially from the masters of the game, he told me something that was almost certainly my top scholarship-related moment at Harvard Law School (my top personal moment took place not too far away from where I am right now, as mentioned in the previous paragraph). He said he wanted me to assume the responsibility for laying out the structure and ideas, even though I was deferring to his judgment as the professor (I tend to have great respect for the master when it is clear that I am the pupil). He said to me, "Chris, you're a smart guy. You can do this." And I knew he wasn't just saying that - he meant it. I still don't know how to thank him for that. Not a day went by when I didn't feel blessed to have Professor Stuntz's supervision and even friendship. But now I think I know the very least I can do to give thanks for all that. I'm going to say a prayer for the Friendly Professor (no, seriously.. he's the Friendly Professor, and here's the proof of that). I hope you will, too.

I've been having a great time back here so far, even though the time is going quickly. I only have 'til Wednesday, and then I have to head back to finish up my project. I am tempted to miss the flight, of course. We'll see what happens :-)

The layover

2008-04-04T11:22:43Z

Long story short, I am at an Internet cafe near the Frankfurt Hauptbahnhof, filling out the rest of my time slot. Pretty nice day over here, although cloudy. But the trees are starting to get leaves and flowers on them, so that´s nice. I should not have The Producers coming to mind, but I couldn´t help it this time.. taking a look around, it looks like it´s springtime for Frankfurt and Germany.

Anyway, I never expected to end up here now. I have an unexpected layover that is largely of my own doing and that pushes back my expected arrival time in New England by about six hours. Craziness. More later...

April in Paris

2008-04-03T21:53:20Z

Don't worry - I won't try to start singing that one. Just ask Sebastian Lanson, my long-lost friend who I've had the chance to reconnect with (and literally the chance - it was totally by chance that we even met up with each other again! Entry from early March talks about it). He was on hand for the vocal jam session at the Swan Bar on boulevard du Montparnasse last night, which featured a few other singers but which also ended up being a free-for-all jam session where vocalists with their charts would give them to a guitarist who would then accompany them. I thought, hey, why not give it a shot? How bad can it possibly be? You know these things go. I sang "My Funny Valentine" and then, at the end of the second set, just for space filler, I sang "All the Things You Are." People tried as hard as they could to be nice to me and tell me it didn't suck, but I think we all knew the truth. I sucked. I should never have been up there. I told Sebastian and the others that I sing in public about once every five years on average, so my next public appearance would be slated for around 2013. I can't even promise that much, though.. but all in all, it was a fun way to spend a few hours and get to hear some nice singing. And I did get to accompany this guy who sang the lyricized "Confirmation" of Charlie Parker. I didn't even know there were lyrics, but it was great to get to play a little bit, especially with this guy, who was really into it. The whole experience reminded me of why I gave up singing and stuck with the keys...

Speaking of sticking with the keys, more New York nostalgia. This actually all takes place on West 57th Street in Manhattan. I had a really fun Saturday afternoon down there, four years ago today. Started out by getting a little mini-tour of the CBS Radio headquarters from one of the PAs there (I was essentially his counterpart in San Francisco, also working for CBS Radio at that time). A little later, I walked the four long inter-avenue blocks to the Steinway showroom, which is just across and a little down the street from Carnegie Hall. I went in there and acted like I was buying a piano (I actually was shopping, but I was looking with only about 20% attentiveness to detail and definitely 0% chance of buying a piano. The salesperson mentioned that I could lay down a $1000 deposit if any of the pianos really interested me. I told him with a straight face that I would think it over and get back to him within a day or so. Which I did, of course turning him down. I wondered if he could tell that I was a 22-year-old kid who really just wanted to see what the great Steinway showroom was all about and maybe try out a couple of the pianos. The place was like a museum - I walked around in there with him in almost total awe. The best part, though, was when he left me in the back room to try out the pianos, and I was back there all by myself, jamming away for around a half hour. That was definitely one of my most satisfying piano experiences ever.

Anyway, fast forward to today. This was the nicest day weatherwise that I can remember for a long time.. since around the first week of January, honestly. Everything was just right, at least as far as I was concerned. The day actually featured my favorite weather - partly cloudy with not too much humidity and highs around 60. Better yet, springtime was definitely making its presence known. I had plenty of time in the fresh air, with other things interspersed but still getting the chance to take in the spring, which I felt lucky to get to do on a Thursday afternoon. I figured I would drag out my camera to capture a few bits and pieces of the action..

This has become a little catch-phrase after a visitor at the Salon de l'Agriculture said it to President Sarkozy when he was there to inaugurate the whole thing. The President's response was this: "Casse toi alors. Casse, casse toi alors, pauvre con." Here's the famous video of the incident. If you're curious about where to find this stenciled graffiti, check out Square Sainte-Croix de la Bretonnerie in the 4th.

Looking southeast down rue de Rivoli, toward the Mairie of the 4th arrondissement. The column in the distance is the Colonne de Juillet, in the middle of Place de la Bastille.

These sycamores (rue Lobau across the street from the Hôtel de Ville) are definitely ready to do some serious photosynthesizing.

See what I mean? The leaves are just starting to pop out. Springtime, here we come.

Springtime scene down by the river. Left side we have some deep pink blossoms on the tree. Middle of your screen, the point of the Ile Saint-Louis. Further on the right and sort of in the background, a weeping willow (saule pleureur) that is really weeping again now that it has its leaves back.

Weeping willow next to the Pont Louis Philippe. A couple stands at mid-bridge taking in the scene.

And here's the scene they were taking in, looking right down the Seine. In the distance we have the buildings of the Palais du Louvre (now the museum).. Closer on the right bank are the theaters facing out onto Place du Châtelet, and then the Hôtel de Ville a little closer in.